Erotic Monkey

Escort reviews at Escort Monkey. Wallop. Is this a bestiality site or something? Anyway, first things first, let's face the facts. Before you read this article, there is a 99% chance that what you were going to do tonight was masturbate, eat something, and sleep alone. It's sad, but it's true. I mean, it's as simple as that. Much easier than going out and actually trying to hold a girl. It takes time, money (buying drinks, etc.), and effort. Wouldn't it be so much easier if a sexy slut showed up at your door within an hour and would do anything you commanded?

Well, lucky for us, we live in the information age. Most guys don't use the Internet for their studies. Fortunately, it has never been easier to find escorts in your city than today, which means that you - yes, even a fat, lazy slob like you - can get laid pretty much on demand any day of the week. That is if you have a little bit of money in reserve.

You may think that ordering an escort is beneath you. You know, paying for sex gets a bad reputation and all, but have you ever stopped to consider why, or whether that reputation is justified. It is such a shame about Paying for Sex . We all pay for sex in one way or another. Think about it. Whether you pay a girl directly for sex or ask her out on a date and pay for dinner or drinks, the ultimate goal is still the same: to spend money to have sex, right?

If you eliminate the extra hassle and steps and give the money directly to the girl, you won't have to watch with your fingers crossed to see if you get your ass handed to you for that money. That is much more honest and direct. Quit being such a pussy and just get over the fucking stigma already. Plus, you will save time and energy because you won't have to try to seduce her or try to seduce her into having sex with you. If you have never done it before, I say fuck it and just give it a try.

As you can probably imagine, there are tons of escort ads and escort review sites out there to choose from. And just like any website, not all of them are created equal. Some are great, really easy to use, have a handy search engine with tons of filters to help you find the perfect girl, and provide all the information you need to get hold of a girl. Others lack one or more of these features and some are just straight up shit and should be avoided like herpes.

Do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

One of the most popular escort review sites out there is known as Erotic Monkey. Indeed, the unusual name probably derives from the fact that guys like us are mostly just erotic baboons - hairy, always clutching bananas, and always looking for a quick fuck. The company's slogan is "never spank your monkey again," which is found under the image of a smiling monkey holding on to a phallic banana. It's starting to make some sense, isn't it? In any case, Erotic Monkey is one of the leading escort review sites on the Internet. And as soon as you land on the homepage of this site, it should be obvious why that is.

You don't have to go out of your way to find girls in your area; Erotic Monkey automatically detects your location and immediately delivers a beautiful piece of ass within 50 miles or so of you, making your life very easy. After all, by the time you think to yourself, 'hey, maybe I'll order myself an escort', chances are you're already very horny. Erotic Monkey gets it, and it wants to help you get straight to business - fuck all that shit.

Real quick, lets get real expensive!

So, you arrive at Erotic Monkey and in the middle of the page is a list of the latest escort reviews. Well, you can't actually see the reviews. That is one of the key drawbacks of this site. You have to upgrade your membership to actually read and leave reviews of the girls. And do so because it is much cheaper. You are looking at paying either $279 for a full year membership, $100 for two months, or $200 for about a quarter year. No matter how you slice it, on top of actually paying for the girls you will be reviewing, this can quickly become an expensive habit.

But forget about reviews for now. Because if you are looking for a great site to help you find all the escort ads you are looking for and get in touch with girls, Erotic Monkey can help you completely free. That is actually how I recommend using this site . At least in the beginning. Once you gain a little more experience and actually rack up some girls to review, it might be worth considering a paid membership. Easy to use, streamlined site design, and some cool features.

Above the list of escorts near you, which comes up automatically when you arrive at the site, you'll find search bar (search by name, phone number, or city), and a fairly handy site menu bar (choose between Add Escort, Blog, Forum, Escort, Erotic Massage, My Account, and Log Out). In addition to these site navigation buttons and a simple search bar, there is a button for advanced search, allowing you to really pin down your perfect piece of ass. You can filter by age group, ethnicity, body type, bust type, ass type, height, and even if they smoke (if that's a concern). Anyway, there are many other customizable options for you to use with the advanced search engine.

At the top of the site you will find a quick access toggle button that allows you to switch between secure browsing and the full site. If you are browsing in public or at work, you can quickly censor the site. Switching safe mode to "on" will remove all photos and the funny little monkey character will switch to an alternate logo that simply reads "EM" in a bold font. I wouldn't recommend searching for an escort in the office anyway, but hey, you might want to get fired .

Now that we've removed all the essential features and site design quirks, let's take a look at the girls. While I can't speak to the quality of the girls themselves (which will vary considerably depending on where you live), I can say that they seem to consistently provide all the information you would expect in a girl's profile. And if something is missing from the profile, they always give you some means of contacting her directly so that she can talk to you about prices and screening (if she does that ...). (most of the good ones do, by the way).

Don't be ridiculous.

And from there, the ball is kind of in your court. You do the browsing, and you need to be smart about what girls you invite home or visit. However, if she only has one picture, that is generally a red light. That is often a sign that the girl is a fake or does not look like the girl in the photo on her profile. But then again, that is not always the case. It only sucks when you order an escort who looks like Beyonce in her picture but looks more like Oprah when she shows up at your place. This is another example of why it's probably not a terrible idea to sign up for a paid membership on this site: the reviews let you know if the bitch is lying about her appearance in her pictures.

Not only can you find the perfect paid companion to alleviate your lonely nights at Erotic Monkey, but you can also read the latest escort news. Just be sure to check the Discussions, Blogs, and Forums sections of the site. Some of the girls post on the forums and describe their travel destinations. Plus, it helps to brush up on your escort etiquette before you spend the night. Learn how not to be a dick.

All in all, Erotic Monkey has developed quite a name for itself as far as escort advertising sites are concerned, just like Eccie and USASexGuide. And they have earned it. Between the excellent site design, some great features, amazingly detailed advanced search capabilities, rigorous reviews, and lots of postings of sexy women willing to make you for the price, you really can't go wrong. Well, except for draining your bank account along with your dick... But it comes with the territory.