Today I would like to introduce Teen Snow, a website for young ladies and gentlemen who are interested in playing with snow in a healthy way. I am just kidding. Despite the snowman illustration at the top, this site has nothing to do with skiing, sledding, or snowball fights; TeenSnow.com is a porn aggregator that collects teenage fuck movies from all over the Internet.
Pretty girls in ugly houses.
You probably want to know my honest reaction when I first viewed the TeenSnow landing page. I wanted to close the window and go to a real porn site. This looks like absolute garbage.
It is not all the teenage sluts and their depraved sexual behavior that I am concerned about. I have no problem with those things. The thumbnails are great. High school girls with nipples, cartoon cheerleaders with salads thrown at them, and 18 year old nymphs with their faces jizzed all over the screen.
But what about that damn header? I look at that hideous baby blue background, but I can't help but love that header. It's never a good sign when the person who created the page seems to have put absolutely no time, effort, or money into the overall look.
You see, every site on the Internet has a stylized logo with its name on it, whether it's Google, Facebook, or Jimmy's Backyard Chicken Fucking Bonanza, the name of the site is always written in fancy letters at the top of the screen. Actually, "flashy" is not even a requirement. It may look like a pixelated chicken scratch, but the important thing is that the logo is there.
TeenSnow does not believe it is necessary to follow the same rules as everyone else. Not only is there no logo, but the name of the site, written in plain text, appears on the screen in comic-fucking-sun, and it doesn't take a design geek to know not to use the kind of font you'd use for a third grade science project on a website for adults who know their boners better.
So the moment I saw TeenSnow, I knew I was out of this site. But I stayed. Because I know how passionate they are about waving their penises at high school girls. And I really want to know what the heck is going on with this hideous video that gets 11 million views a month.
How to graduate from high school in just 10 years
I figured the easiest way to see what TeenSnow has to offer would be to click on one of the scenes on the home page. It's unclear in what order they're listed, and since there's no information attached to them, I have to assume they're the newest first.
The good thing about this site is that it seems to have a good selection to start with. There is a good mix of amateur porn and professional smut, and most of the major sex acts are covered on the front page. You won't see any really kinky or fetish videos right off the bat, but there is at least one animated one.
I couldn't help but notice in one of the thumbnails the cute face of Mia Khalifa with tears streaming down her cheeks. I immediately thought I would click on it to find out what made her so sad, but I doubt it. Mia has not been a teen for 10 years now.
It is possible that the video is old and she was a teenager when it was filmed. More likely, it's just like all the great porn she's been in, tagged as teen, because Mia's youthfulness was appreciated. I wouldn't worry too much about it, we'll just have to turn off "teen" porn forever, and a lot of these girls are faking their age.
Lots of ass, or just bullshit.
Sad Mia's thumbnail is tagged with the URL to her official website, so I figured TeenSnow would send me to the video page on her site. That's how porn aggregators generally work.
TeenSnow, again, goes against tradition and does not function as it should. Instead of Mia's official site or the thumbnail video opening in a new tab, the Ass4All home page appeared in a new tab. There are many videos there, but Mia Khalifa is not in any of the thumbnails.
This is a bit suspicious. For some reason, Ass4All looks almost identical to TeenSnow, but instead of a Teen video there is a butt video. Sure, the background color and font are different, but the effortless design is covered in TeenSnow fingerprints.
I wasn't in the mood for a scavenger hunt, so I closed the "Ass4All" window. When you're horny and you're subjected to a bait-and-switch like that, the bastards tend to be in a bad mood. If the self-linked garbage sites go on and on, I'll mail someone a bag of semen I've been saving up for a rainy day.
I Guess We'll Have to Try Again
Once again, I went back to the top page and re-selected. Another pretty face with a nice rack on a supple little body. Sometimes a tight t-shirt is more attractive than a bitch with tits showing. I wanted to see this babe take off her t-shirt.
Honestly, I wanted to see this chick take it off, and given that TeenSnow has been a pretty shitty site so far, I was hoping this next clip would be a full-length from somewhere I'd normally have to pay for. PrettyDirtyHD's The watermark was clearly visible in the thumbnail, so I kept my fingers crossed.
This time, the link was xVideos and it dropped me to the correct video page. I was a little shocked to learn that the actual scene is titled "Fucking The Hot Handicapped Girl".
The good news is that this beautiful little slut is probably not a cripple. She wouldn't have a body like that if she was walking around in a walker all day, and once she was stuffed with that hard cock, she seems to have lost all signs of physical disability.
Unfortunately, this video is a six-minute sample clip. So much for my great desire to have a woman with a parking space like my grandma masturbate for a long time.
I then spent the next five minutes clicking on random links from the home page. It was not a pleasant experience. I couldn't find any hidden gems or even porn clips worth saving or bookmarking. Hell, there wasn't even one that made me want to punch it.
Almost every video I clicked on went to short sample clips on xVideos. Some were literally seconds long, and not a single one opened on any site other than xVideos. The sites that didn't go there just went to other pages that were similar to TeenSnow but with slightly different content. I didn't look too closely at the other sites, but I think their "content" is a shitty sample of xVideos and a link to TeenSnow.
I went to the "Hottest Teen of the Month" area. Another Mia Khalifa clip was in the top position. I clicked on it and was taken to the xVideos video. Clicking again brought up another TeenSnow clone, and the third time it went back to Mia's double-fucking and then to a link to more porn aggregator garbage excuses.
This is bullshit of the highest order. It would be bad enough if this site offered free sample clips with a clean and friendly interface, but TeenSnow makes little attempt to hide the fact that they are a bunch of shady crooks.
They say you should never judge a book by its cover, but sometimes you can, and sometimes you should, and my first impression of TeenSnow was exactly that: that the site is a bunch of dodgy, shady, and unscrupulous people. The reason this site looks like garbage is because it is. Sure, technically, if you point your browser there, you will be bombarded with a few seconds of teen porn. But it would be foolish to waste your time, given that there are other sites with better productions.